Roman Goes to Heaven
by Maddogcode69
Summary: Well someone's getting fired for this that's for sure.


**HEY guys, Maddogcode69 here.**

 **Don't worry for those of you who are still reading/waiting for my other story 'The Supreme Emperor of all Things Evil, Philip?' That's still going on. I just thought that I might make this short one chapter story for you guys.**

 **The inspiration came from another fanfic I read that had the same theme. If said person so happens to take notice of this story then please don't hate me. I do this because you have inspired me (and for my incredible lack of original content)**

* * *

White.

That was the first thing Roman Torchwick saw when he opened his eyes. He squinted in discomfort as his sight tried to adjust to the never ending sea of light that seemed to encompass him from all around. He tried to reach into his coat pocket for his cigars only to come back empty handed. With his annoyance now amplified, he tried to make better sense of where he was.

What happened? The last thing he remembered was fighting Red on top of that Atlesian Airship before...darkness.

 _'Shit, did I get caught?'_ The criminal thought annoyed. _'Did the kid actually get the drop on me. Oh, when I get my hands on that little brat-'_

"If you could please reframe from finishing that thought then that would be very much appreciative, thank you!" A cheerful voice had asked.

Roman's train of thought came to a halt at the sound of the voice, a beautiful voice at that. It was like the sound of sweet nectar to his ears. So full of life, of love and of an never-ending promise of nothing but a brighter tomorrow.

It gave him a headache.

Roman looked over at where the voice had come from, spotting a blonde haired woman wearing nothing but a white robe, with two giant fluffy wings on her back and a halo above her head just a few feet away.

His gaze then lowered a bit more to the true treasure of this blonde beauty.

"Well, hello there ma'am~." He said, giving her one of his best 'charming' looking grins. " Now I'm not complaining about the getup, but what is a young woman such as yourself doing...wherever hear is looking like that?"

The woman simply giggled daintily into her hand at his response. "My, aren't you a charmer? Sadly though, I have some terrible news that you must know." At this her joyful smile turned to one full of sympathy and compassion.

"What? Don't tell me you're going to be my interrogator, because if that's the case then you're wasting your time." He told her.

"Interrogator? Goodness gracious no!" She said in slight bewilderment. The shock clear on her face, like he had just asked her if she prefers her puppies boiled or deep fried when eaten. "I'm simply your guide for this eternity."

"Eternity?" Roman questioned confused.

"Yes, I'm sorry to say this but...you're dead." She sheepishly told him.

...

...

...

"PHFWHAHAHAHAH!" Roman roared with laughter and fell to his knees as he held his abdomen with one hand.

"HAHAHAHAH! Oh wow! Hehehe-I knew the White Fang were a bunch of mindless animals, but to have -hehehe- to have the ATLAS MILITARY trying something like this -hahahah- on me! HAHAHAH!" He said in-between gulps of air and fits of laughter.

"That's it, let it out. Denial is always the first stage towards acceptance." The woman gently spoke to Roman, like how a mother would explain something to a child.

"Hehehe, yeah, sure, THAT'S what I'm feeling right now." He mockingly said.

"You don't need to take my word for it. See for yourself." At this she pointed to the ground where he was laying on.

Now that she pointed it out the floor _did_ feel a bit different. Looking down, Roman used one of his hands to run across the almost fog like surface of the ground, his hands only feeling nothing but air, if only a bit different. He stuck his hand a bit deeper into the ground. There was some slight resistance, though not like how he was expecting. Instead of his hand grabbing ahold of dirt and grass, they instead grabbed a form of condensed air, almost looking like it was a cloud, but one where he could grab it with his hands.

As he dropped the 'cloud' down -which gently fell back to wherever the hell it came from- he took a closer look at his environment.

Nothing but white. The color white stretched for as far as he could see, with no hint of an end in sight.

He looked to his left to see if he could spot a building anywhere...

White.

He looked to his right in search for a mountain, a river, a tree...

White.

He looked up into the sky, in hopes of spotting at least the sun...

White ruled over that to.

No matter where he looked, Roman could see nothing but white for miles and miles. He tried to scratch his head to help with the itch that started to spread when his fingers bumped into some solid metal object that seemed to hover over his head. His eyes widened as he reached over to his back to confirm what was on his mind.

His fingers ran across his giant, fluffy and very much _real_ wings that now occupied his back.

"I'm dead?" He soon asked after about a few minutes of just processing his new attachments.

"Yep!" The Woman said, popping the 'p'. "Welcome to Heaven Roman!"

No, this can't be. How did he die? When did he die!? Did that kid kill him!? Did she actually kill him in their fight-

 _'Wait.'_

"I'm sorry. Did you say Heaven?" He asked.

"That's correct. Welcome, Roman Torchwick, to your eternal paradise! My name is Angela and I'll be your guide for this eternity-"

"Woah, woah, woah, now hold on their." He stopped her. "You're telling me that this is Heaven?"

"Yep!"

"THE Heaven?"

"Mhm."

"As in where all the goody two shoes people go when they've done _**good**_ in their life's?"

"Do you still need a moment to accept your death?" She patiently asked.

"Uh...I don't think that's the problem here." He tried pointing out.

"Whatever do you mean?" She asked a bit confused as to what he was trying to say.

"Clearly, there's been some sort of mistake." Roman told her. "Perhaps you've heard of me before. Roman Torchwick? Criminal mastermind of Vale? The man literally responsible for scrambling all of Atlas's androids and sent them to attack civilians and soldiers alike. Does any of this sound even REMOTELY like what a good hearted person would do?"

"We are very much aware of who you are Mr. Torchwick. Which is why we were so surprised when news got out that you were coming up here." She responded with the same enthusiasm she had before.

"But...but what about my underground business? What about Neo?"

"All of your friends and associates are still back on Remnant and are most likely mourning your death."

"But a lot of those assholes owe me money! Give me about 15 minutes with them, I can guarantee you I can... _convince_ them." He said as he began to tap the end of his plastic cane in the palm of his hand.

Wait, plastic?

"Ooh, sorry spoilsport, but we can't do that. Now, ready for the guide?" She held out her hand which Roman responded by slapping it away.

"Woah, hold on. What's up with my cane?" He demanded.

"Oh, that. Well sorry for being a Barbra of bad news, but weapons are not allowed in Heaven. As such we have felt it better to give you a safer replica of Melodic Cudgel." She sheepishly shrugged.

"This is a load of ********!" Roman blinked a bit in surprise. "What the- What the ******** is going on? Why can't I say ******** or ********!"

"Again, sorry to be an ol' Gloomy Gus, but swearing is also not allowed up here." Angela said still in her chipper tone.

"Oh for ******** sake!" Roman rolled his eyes at the absurdity of it all. "What is this, Heaven or a ******** elementary school? I'm a grown adult, and I'm pretty sure their are kids here who have been up here longer than I have. Doesn't that qualify them as adults to some extent? I don't think we need to be babysat by a bunch of winged ****** **** **** ****** Who have their heads so far up their ******** that they can't even handle a bit of ********!"

Roman huffed a bit out of breath from his mini rant to Angela, who throughout the entire time shown no reaction towards Roman's very much clear hostility.

Angela just keeps smiling her polite and caring smile as she held out her hand once Roman was done ranting. "Are you ready to go now Mr. Torchwick?" She asks patiently and still with cheer.

Begrudgingly, Roman pushed her hand away from him and followed his guide for a bit to a giant golden gate. They made their way over to a man in a white suit who sat behind a golden booth right next to the gate. Soon the man looked up from his book to regard them both with the same exact smile Angela gave Roman.

"Well hello Angela, It's nice to see you again! what can I do you for?"

"Hello Monty! I'm just here to give Mr. Torchwick a guide around Heaven, you know how it is." She happily told him.

"Boy do I! Just don't go off and have to much fun without me now." He responded back with just as much joy.

"I would never do that to you Monty, honest." She said a bit hurt by his false accusations.

"I know you wouldn't, I was just messing with you. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings." he said a bit guilty.

"Aw, I forgive you. Friendship hug!" She shouted as they both leaned in and hugged each other over the booth.

"My god, is everyone in this place this touchy-feely?" Roman asked in disgust.

"Now don't be such a sourpuss friend. How about a hug?"

"If you so much as breath in my general direction I WILL cut off your arms so you can never hug again." Roman threatened the man, eyes narrowed to show that he promised that he would do good on his threat.

"Oh my, such language!" Monty gasped.

Roman rubbed his eyes tiredly as he pondered his next question. "Are you SURE that I should be here? I mean, I get that I'm dead now, but shouldn't I be, you know, in the _other_ place? You know, the one down below."

"Oh! You mean _THAT_ place!" Monty looked at him sadly. "You think you deserve such a harsh punishment?"

"Well, I mean I _did_ rob countless dust shops while also hospitalizing over dozens of people, if not getting them killed. I've lied, cheated, stolen, and backstabbed pretty much everyone and anyone I could. I also tilted every single painting I could in General Ironwoods personal quarters on his ship that I _hijacked_ from him and used to shoot down the other ones."

Monty flipped through the giant golden book he had been reading before. "Lets see, lets see...AH! Here it is. According to this, it's because you sacrificed yourself pal!" He answered with a proud and beaming smile.

"I did? When? Who? I don't remember caring enough about another living creature to give _my life_ for theirs."

"Don't you remember what you were doing before you died?" Asked Angela.

"A little, I was beating the crap out of a 15 year old girl before-" Romans eyes widened as he started to piece everything together. He spoke as if stuck in a trance. "The Grimm...A griffin flew from behind me and-"

"Ate you whole. Quickly killing you from asphyxiation and some pretty nasty stomach acid," Monty finished for him. "And in doing so, saved Miss Ruby Rose from that exact same fate."

Roman Deadpanned. "So I got eaten alive, but ended up saving Reds life in doing so? I wasn't even trying to save her!" He tried to reason.

"Still counts." Monty said while Angela just shrugged.

"Can I get a do-over? Make her get eaten instead? I've heard that her mother is dead, I'm sure she'd _love_ to see her again, right?"

"Oh you silly Billy," Angela said pinching his cheeks, much to his annoyance. "Sorry, but that's not how it works. To answer your first question though, when you sacrificed yourself-"

"Accidently!" Roman shouted.

"-accidently or not, it meant that all your previous misdeeds and sins were swept under the rug."

"That must be one hell of a rug you guys got up here." Roman muttered to himself.

Sighing to himself, Roman began to truly contemplate the situation he has now found himself in. As crazy as the situation was, and the migraine he was getting from his sanity being bitch-slapped at the fact that an afterlife existed and that he was on the _good_ side of said afterlife, he couldn't help the shit-eating grin that started to grow on his face.

He,

Roman Torchwick,

Had just cheated his way into Heaven.

No amount of words at that moment could describe the sheer volume of euphoria that he was feeling at that period of time. Roman Torchwick, criminal mastermind of Vale- no, _all_ of Remnant, hopped from one foot to the other like a child who was just told that he could stay up past his bedtime and have all the sweets he wanted.

While that _bitch_ Cinder was more than likely going to burn for all eternity surrounded by fire and brimstone when she died, he was going to be up here surrounded by hot angel babes feeding him grapes.

While Cinder was going to be tortured and eaten by abominations for the rest of her life, he was going to be up here with a beer in his left hand and a cigar in his right, laughing as he watches her suffer.

No matter how you looked at it the results were still the same. she will suffer for her inhumane crimes, _forever_...

While he gets the **BIGGEST** 'get out of jail free' card of his life.

He couldn't stop the raging boner he had right now even if he tried.

Roman turned to face Angela, smile still plastered on his face. "Well what are standing around for? Let's get a move on with it! I could kill for a smoke right about now."

"Oh," Angela's face tinted with a bit of a blush. "Sorry to be the sad sack here but... _there is no smoking in Heaven_ , Mr. Torchwick."

If Neo was here with Torchwick at that moment, she would have gone pale with dread and regarded Roman with a look that only a kid would give their parent that had told them they only had 12 minutes to live.

Roman dropped to the ground on his knees. His smile gone, replaced with a look of utter shock like from a soldier that just watched his childhood friend get shredded with shrapnel right in front of his eyes.

"No...smoking?" He wheezed out. His eyes continuing to stare at his hands as he asked the question.

"Afraid so." Angela said in her most comforting voice. "smoking is very bad for you and can harm you. As such it's not permitted, such as any alcohol, drugs or weapons. It doesn't matter if you can't die or not, because you're up here any ailments that you might have had in your past life are removed. That includes any immunities or resistance you might have built from them." She explained. All the while rubbing Roman's back to help comfort him.

"No smoking..." Roman muttered out a couple times, as if trying to comprehend such an idea existing.

"It's alright sweetheart," Angela softly said. "Never again will that wicked tobacco have ahold of you, _ever_ again."

Hot tears began to roll down Roman's eyes.

"come along now Mr. Torchwick, paradise awaits you." Angela carefully helped lift Roman off the ground and with little to no resistance from him was walked through the golden gates of Heaven. As Angela stopped after about walking 10 yards away she gave Roman a few more parting words that fell on deaf ears and walked back out the gate, closing it without so much as a creek behind her.

Roman continued to stand their with glassy eyes. Minutes passed by as the true meaning behind what Angela had told him finally began to settle in once the shock wore off.

Roman ran back up to the gates and began to try and open them with no such luck. _"I change my mind! I don't wanna be here anymore! I'm a bad man, I deserve to be sent to the other place. I DEMAND to be sent there!"_ Roman continued to shout at the top of his lungs, as with each desperate word that left his mouth he tried to rattle and shake the gate harder and harder.

This couldn't be happening, tell him this wasn't happening. Wasn't Heaven suppose to be a paradise? He could understand the weapon thing, he could begrudgingly accept the no swearing. But no smoking?

He shook the gate even harder.

This day couldn't get worse could it?

"Hello Roman~." Another female voice spoke up from behind him.

Curious as to who was addressing him now, and slightly hopeful that it was Angela who had heard his pleas and decided to take pity on him, Roman spun around. Standing a few feet away with cape blowing in a nonexistent wind was non other than-

"Red?" Roman asked a bit surprised.

"Not quite~." The not-Red said a little to cheerfully.

Taking a closer look, Roman began to make out a bit more detail from the woman. Unlike the red cape from the Red he knew, this one carried a white one. Her physique was more developed looking than Red's, a clear sign of being an older woman. Other than that this woman looked like an exact replica from Red, which could only mean-

"Ah, you must be her mother correct?" He asked.

"Yep." she said, popping the 'p'. "And you must be Torchwick right?" She smiled a smile at him.

It was all teeth.

"Uh, yes?" He answered a bit unnerved by her smile.

"The same Roman Torchwick who fought my daughter on multiple occasions~?" She oh to sweetly accused more than asked.

"Yes..." He wasn't liking where this was going.

"The very _same_ Roman Torchwick who began to, and I quote **_'beat the crap out of'_** once you had her defeated and on the ground defenseless~?" Did her eyes always look so sharp? He feels like they were never that sharp before.

He had to try to defuse the situation somehow before he evokes the full wrath of a mother on himself, a _huntress_ mother at that.

"Uh, look ma'am. This whole situation with me and your daughter fighting each other is not what you might be thinking."

"Oh you silly Billy~!" an all to familiar voice said right behind him outside the gate. He turned around and, lo' and behold, their was Angela with her ever present smile on her face.

Her sweet, loving, caring, _malevolent smile._

"Did I forget to mentioned that lying isn't allowed either? Oopsies, my bad~." She said with a bit more sharper teeth than before.

"Anyway I better be off, my boss will have my ass if I don't hurry back." Angela reached within her bust and pulled out an all to familiar looking cigar carrier and lighter, popping one in her mouth and lighting it, taking a deep, long drag before putting the carrier and lighter back.

"see ya." With those parting words, she faced her back towards Roman, pointed tail clearly visible, and walked off until the fog of white swallowed up her form whole.

"So, Roman." Red's mothers hand roughly fell on his shoulder. "How well do you know prison rules?"

He wasn't liking his odds right now.

"Because I'm gonna make you my bitch." She all but whispered in his ear.


End file.
